Trump Enacts Intergalactic Tariffs

President Trump of Earth’s United States of America, officially recognized by the United Nations as “The Bad Place,” enacted all-encompassing intergalactic tariffs today. All planets and orbitals of the Surya System are included in the new policy, including uninhabited worlds. We interviewed leaders from around the star system for a closer look.

President Trump removed his helmet for a photo op despite warnings of life-threatening radiation and a lack of oxygen. He referred to himself as “King of the Galaxy.”

The newly announced intergalactic tariffs have reshaped the fabric of cosmic trade. With the signing of the Galactic American Savings Act (GAS Act), strict duties will be imposed on imports from dozens of extraterrestrial economies. These tariffs, justified under Trump’s enduring “Earth First” doctrine, have sparked a series of retaliatory measures from alien governments, igniting the largest trade standoff in interplanetary history. While Earth's mining and tech industries have seen a short-term boost, tensions on trade routes through the Orion Belt have escalated, and diplomatic relations with the Surya System remain frozen.

Mr. Trump’s reply to reporters questioning his impulse for such actions was rambling, inaccurate, and incoherent. “When the late-great Mary Todd Lincoln, Abe, they called him Honest Abe, sewed the original American flag, she put fifty stars on it. It was a prediction that the Revolutionary War would reunite the great United States, and actually add several new ones. Our new, big, beautiful tariffs, galactic they call them, galactic I like the sound of it. So when you look up at the sky, little boys and girls, dreamers, when they see the stars twinkling up there, we’ll say, those are the stars on our flag, the stars belong to America. Our history says the stars were for the states, inner space you might call it, but now they are for outer space.”

Critics argue the tariffs risk isolating Terrans in a rapidly integrating galactic market, while supporters hail them as a bold stand for planetary sovereignty in an era of post-terrestrial galacticization. President Trump’s long history of enacting new tariffs only to slice them with exceptions, postpone them for random intervals, or revoke them entirely has thrown Earth’s stock markets into wild turmoil. His firebrand of chaos and confusion has sent investors into hiding once again.

It’s unclear what the administration aims to accomplish within the Surya System, where traditional currency was replaced by Strata, a system of social merit. Strata is incompatible and unlike any economics in use within the Sol System. Most trade relations between Sol and Surya are conducted via swaps of migrants and natural resources. The current relationship had been widely viewed as a net-positive for the Trump Administration and its dwindling supporters. New blanket tariffs throw this dynamic into question. While the administration denied a request for comment, interviews from around the Surya System have revealed an inside look at public opinion and reactions from leadership.

Uninhabited Lands

The inhospitable planets within the Surya System - Rasa, Beelzebub, Gary, Lary, and Vitlugg - have all been placed under tariffs of varying degrees, along with dozens of moons and asteroids. Some, if not all, have scientific observatories in orbit manned by humans and/or AI systems. In theory, the tariffs would be imposed on these minuscule populations that have no economic function or trade implications.

Dr. Renee Lopet oversees a constellation of satellites and the Seager Scientific Observatory orbiting Rasa. The planet, first known as JWST.1336-a, is infamous for being the original destination of the NERF colonization fleet, which was abandoned due to it being an inhospitable UV oven much like Sol’s Venus. “Nobody lives on Rasa and terraforming the planet is unrealistic. I manage the observatory remotely from Unica. Even repair work is performed by robotics, so not only is the population zero, but so is the visitor count.”

This raises many questions about the dubious nature of how the tariffs are calculated and the intelligence or expertise of those enacting them.

“Trump has effectively levied an import tax on data flowing between a remote scientific outpost and a server on Unica. It’s a closed loop, none of which has anything to do with economics or even interstellar relations, let alone The Bad Place,” she said.

Beelzebub, which is the fifth planet orbiting Surya beyond Awasuwaiziki, Unica, and Eden, is commonly compared to Mars. It has two moons, often referred to as The Horns of Beelzebub, and is a red-hued, dust-ridden world of little-to-no atmosphere. Future human settlements are planned, but at present it remains an uninhabited object of scientific research. The Scientific Consortium Association of Beelzebub (SCAB) released the following statement:

“We are scientists, researchers, and engineers investigating the geology, history, and future prospects of Beelzebub, an uninhabited planet. We have no diplomatic or economic connection with Earth or any of its entities.”

Scientific groups that oversee Gary and Lary, gas giants akin to Sol’s Neptune (though beige), echoed the statement issued by SCAB. As did any establishments within Surya’s expansive asteroid belt that could be reached for comment.

Vitlugg, much like Pluto for its small size and named for its irregular surface that resembles bird droppings, is remotely observed by Dr. Lopet’s colleagues. The small group of scientists refused to be named for this article and replied that the tariffs are “idiotic, baseless, and accomplish nothing.”

Awasuwaiziki

Awasuwaiziki orbits Surya within the inner fringe of habitability, too warm and small for any industry other than hospitality and entertainment. Awasuwaiziki does not have a manufacturing sector and either makes and uses all of its own products or imports them from Unica. Ninety percent of the planet contains a Caribbean climate and up to eighty percent of the population at any given time are temporary vacationers. The tropical resort world was largely unbothered by Trump’s intergalactic tariffs.

“The only time anyone here even thinks about Earth is when a gorgeous sunset feels just a tad off, that is, if you grew up watching them on Earth,” a sunbather commented. “Just because Awasuwaiziki appeared in some cockamamie spreadsheet by a formula no one can explain, doesn’t give it any meaning.”

Mao Fabozzi, head of tourism outreach, sat for an interview with us. Once they could stop laughing, the questions began. “If this is a method of opening a dialog between our worlds to begin trade relations, it’s a hostile tactic. We have no animosity toward Earth or its citizens, in fact, they are welcome to vacation here. We have golf courses. If Mr. Trump wants to play eighteen holes at Elysian Hills, we would welcome him.” When pressed, would Awasuwaizikians actually invite President Trump to a golf outing? “Yes, absolutely. So long as he knows ahead of time that the courses here aren’t for sale. We don’t offer private ownership of any enterprise. For example, employees of Elysian Hills ‘own’ Elysian Hills. As the golf course succeeds, so do they. That’s the simplest way I can explain economics here on Awasuwaiziki, and that applies to all societies within the Surya System.”

At the time of this article, it’s unclear whether anyone within the Trump Administration understands the economics of Strata within the Surya System. Again, the White House has refused to comment on this topic, though several senior advisors have referred to the entire Surya System as a “socialist hell hole.”

Unica

Unica is the Earth-equivalent planet of Surya, and the population engine. Formally JWST.1336-b and home of the NERF colonization fleet. The global Unican government is known as UTOPIA, a merger between the former United Territories Organization of the eastern hemisphere and the Peaceful Intercontinental Alliance of the western hemisphere.

We asked the current steward of Strata, Xi Enomoto, for his thoughts on intergalactic economic relations. “Tariffs are levied on a monetary value and there isn’t a direct correlation between Strata and the US Dollar. Disagreements like this are the exact reason UTOPIA founded the Strata system and did away with currency entirely. Life here is merit based in a way that the American dictatorship could only dream of. Can you earn a decent living on Earth by child rearing, eldercare, teaching, or reading? You can on Unica. Imagine receiving a tangible reward or an upgrade in personal status for enrichment activities that in traditional capitalism are basically worthless? That’s the promise of Unica. We’re tariff-proof.” And yet, the policy has been enacted. “Let’s look at it from another angle. What’s the motivation behind this confrontation? Looking tough for the home crowd, to appear as a strongman. It has nothing to do with us on the receiving end. Isolationism, nationalism, jingoism along with dozens of other -isms never end well. It’s an incubator of bankrupt ideas from our troubled collective history.”

After conducting our interviews, an observer walking by gave us an unsolicited opinion. “He’s a fish out of water, flopping around on dry land. The last gasp from the empty lungs of a capitalist oligarchy. In the Surya System, we have done away with currency and greed. We don’t negotiate with kleptomaniacs who pillage from the poor and needy. The people here don’t know what tariffs are. They have absolutely no meaning. Everyone on Unica receives all of the basic resources needed to live in peace and happiness at birth. Come to Unica and see for yourselves.”

Eden

The religious and conservative outpost of the Surya System is Eden. A desert planet, lovingly described as a brown sugar marble, became a religious citadel following an outright ban on physical religious establishments on Unica. The controversial measure was enacted to curb ideological feuds and contain religious expression to within the virtual realm.

To date, Eden is the only world within the Surya System that has had a meaningful relationship with Earth. Many of the largest religious beneficence organizations have bundled aid packages to assist in Earth’s climate recovery. The United States, among one of the most significant beneficiaries, has puzzled leaders on Eden with the new tariffs. The latest aid shipment was due to depart this month and is now paused while diplomatic relations are up for discussion.

We met virtually with Emmerith Summamenté, Chancellor of the Natural Alliance of Humanists - a large anti-technocratic religious coalition. “We have an excellent relationship with the United Nations of Earth. In fact, President Elazar Knox, has stated on multiple occasions that Earth is deeply indebted to Eden due to the invaluable humanitarian aid we’ve supplied for refugees of the climate crisis there. As I understand it, the United States or The Bad Place as they call it, is a rogue state acting unilaterally to subvert Earth’s world order.” A firm stance which Mr. Summamenté asserts is merely factual. “The vast majority of Earth’s citizens outside of the American propaganda machine already know all of this. I’m not taking an antagonistic position to stir up conflict. Eden uses the same Strata system as does every constituent of the Surya System. Will Mr. Trump place a tariff on the air we all breath next? He might as well. It would be ignored all the same.”

Eden’s worst kept secret is its underground economy operating outside of the Strata system and interstellar law. Based on the blockchain and used provincially by criminals or old-world romantics, the secretive currency exchange has never faced the scrutiny of enforcement. Those who argue in its favor stake a claim to religious exemption as a tenet of the Kingdom of Prosperity. As the only form of traditional economics within the Surya System, it could potentially have a direct correlation to the tariffs. We asked Mr. Summamenté to comment.

“If such economic activity is happening here on Eden, I doubt those at the helm would risk public exposure. They can attempt negotiations with President Trump at their own peril. I don’t think engaging in such a thing would have any benefit. Who would purposefully touch a hot stove?” His vagary on the subject was expected, though, we had to ask.

Reactions From The Public Hivemind:

This material is bonus content for the forthcoming novel Far From Utopia, written by Jordan Quimby. This is a work of fiction and parody. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, science, technology, events and incidents mentioned are the product of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. Portions of this content were assisted by the use of AI and adapted for fictional artistry.

If you enjoyed this ad-free content, please consider supporting the writer at: patreon.com/quantumquimby