Vacation For The Nation (Part 3)
American patriots, circa 2044, celebrating President Quimby’s new spring holidays.
This is Part 3 of the ongoing series “Vacation For The Nation.” Read: Part 1 & Part 2
Welcome back to my series, Vacation For The Nation! As a reminder this is my very real and totally non-farcical campaign to become the 52nd President of the United States of America. In Part 1, I stated the overarching goal of my plan for our country. In Part 2, I audited the first quarter of the year and was forced to explain a few pieces of legislation no one cares about. In part 3, we will continue to determine how to create a permanent four-day work week, now for the spring months (April - June).
April, a month with a blank slate and a bone to pick with the dang moon.
We left off the first quarter of the year with an impending battle royale versus the moon in regards to Easter (I hope you read that in the voice of James Austin Johnson’s Trump impersonation from SNL). Currently, the first Sunday after the first full moon on or after the vernal equinox is way too complicated and messy for me. I’m not trying to fight the moon for proper holiday placement, I’ve got a nation to run! For this reason, I now proclaim Easter Sunday to be the first Sunday of April and a day off for observation the following Monday. End of story. Certainly that won’t ruffle any feathers.
Next up, we’ve got Civil Rights Day on April 11th which will commemorate the signing of the Civil Rights Act of 1968 on this date in history. Slam dunk.
For the third week of April, we’re moving Earth Day up from the 22nd to the 20th to coincide with a specific class of plants regularly celebrated annually on 4/20. This was perhaps the most harmonious union of holidays I discovered within this entire experiment. You’re welcome!
Finally, for the end of April, I declare April 27th to be Stargazing Day! As we called attention to noise pollution on Quiet Day, February 25th, we now turn our awareness toward light pollution. In theory, this will coincide with International Dark Sky Week but, I’m once again fighting the moon, and it’s impossible to pin down an exact date that will always work with the new moon of April.
New April feels like a warm hug.
Memorial Day is great but we need a whole lot more.
May Day on the first of the month is globally celebrated. It’s a labor holiday commemorating the historical struggle for workers' rights and also a traditional festival celebrating the arrival of spring.
Cinco De Mayo follows a bit closely to May Day but it feels very holiday-worthy. This was originally in celebration of the Mexican army’s defeat of the French Empire, though it has morphed into a larger celebration of Mexican-American culture. The military victory carries US importance as it dissuaded France from supporting the Confederacy during the Civil War which could’ve seriously altered history poorly. Go have a margarita and a toast to our Mexican allies!
For the third holiday of May, Cleaning Day is now on the 12th! Time to get all your spring cleaning done - inside, outside, community, mental, digital - we’re cleaning it all. Imagine an entire nation spending a whole day cleaning.
About a week after you’ve finished cleaning, guess what… we’re donating! Donation Day is May 18th. What did you find in the attic or the basement? Let’s bring it over to Goodwill. House all clean? Donate you time to a food bank or an animal shelter. Not your cup of tea? Go donate blood, plasma, or even sperm! Donate what you can on Donation Day and give back to your community.
Finally, we’re leaving Memorial Day as is on last Monday of May. It seems to work well here so I see no reason to tinker with it. Enjoy your freshly cleaned spaces and crack open a cold one in honor of our fallen heroes who defended our freedom to have a Cleaning Day and a Donation Day in the first place!
New May is squeaky clean!
Welcome to the team, Juneteenth, sorry you’re an orphan. Let’s give you some new holiday friends!
Are the kids done with school yet? Well, they won’t be going on June 1st, it’s International Children’s Day! It’s a day to commemorate efforts to end childhood hunger and abuse but also a time to celebrate our little ones and the future we invest in the next generation.
World Oceans Day is June 8th. Our oceans are the “lungs of the earth” and the vitality of marine biology is critical to our existence. We evolved from aquatic creatures millions of years ago so we should take care of them. Go organize a cleanup of your local waterway or go to the beach and listen to the waves.
Juneteenth is finally a federal holiday on June 19th, and it’s about damn time. I can think of few (if any) things more worthy of celebration than the end of slavery.
June 21st means it’s time to throw a Summer Solstice party. Goodbye allergies, hello sunshine!
We round out June and the second quarter with Pride Day on June 28th. This culminates a months long celebration of the LGBT+ community on the date of the Stonewall Riots. Dress up in rainbows, attend your local parade, show off your support and allyship, do gay stuff!
New June is all sunshine and literal rainbows!
Stay tuned for Part 4 as I look to the third quarter (July - September), the most arid holiday desert.
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